I can’t decide if I should be a stay at home mom. I went in to the office last week for the first time in months. James was in daycare part time for a few months at the beginning of the year before I decided to pull him out and just work during nap time, essentially making me almost a stay at home mom.
Why almost? Well I still have a job that I earn an income from. I know being a stay at home mom is a full time job, and I don’t dare say that stay at home moms dont “work”, but in addition to momming all day, I am juggling emails/phone calls/clients/mortgage applications.
Sometimes I miss my old life
Most days I love being home with him and don’t mind limiting my workload to fit into nap time and late at night. But some days I really miss it.
I miss getting dressed and doing my hair.
I miss the adult interaction.
I miss not having to worry about taking care of a toddler all day.
While I was at work and James was spending time with my mom, I didn’t worry about him at all. I didn’t think about wake windows, snack times, or cleaning up toys. I just worked. I got Starbucks and drank it in total peace.
It was a really great day.
My life could be like this every day if I wanted it to! Well Monday-Friday. I have an amazing job and can afford for James to attend daycare, but for some reason I just want to be with him. I want to be a stay at home mom.
My career is incredibly flexible, which I’m so grateful for. James was born while our office was closed due to Covid-19 so we were all working remotely. Somehow I just never went back into the office. I’ve continued to work remotely ever since, juggling James and working a very small case load.
But… I love my new life
Even when I don’t really want to be with him (you know how toddlers can be) I want to be there for him. I just feel so strongly like I’m supposed to be there for him. I feel like I am supposed to be a stay at home mom.
I’m supposed to prepare his food, teach him manners, take him for walks, read books to him, put him down for nap time. I feel like I’m supposed to do it all.
I know I don’t have to do this, but I want to.
I’m so lucky
I also know that so many women don’t have a choice. To work or not to work isn’t even a question for them, their circumstances define the answer, their wants don’t factor into the decision. So I feel like a spoiled brat that I get to make this choice, but it’s still so damn hard to make it.
I want to be a stay at home mom, but I don’t always like being a stay at home mom. I’m sure I wouldn’t always like being a working mom outside of the house either.
I feel like I have the best of both worlds and the worst of both worlds.
The best part of being a stay at home mom:
The best part is that I get to spend time with my kid AND still make some money doing something I love. I love being with James. I love helping people buy houses. Win, win, right?
The Worst part of being a stay at home mom:
I’m expected to do all the stay at home mom stuff (doctors appointments, home maintenance, cooking, cleaning, etc.) AND all the mortgage loan officer stuff all at the same time. Both are full time jobs and I don’t magically get more hours in my day becuase I do them both.
Sorry for the click-bait title, but I don’t have an answer for you. Moral of the story is there’s no right answer and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Some days I’m certain I’m doing the right thing, some days I’m certain I should go back to working in the office full time. For every study saying kids are better off if you stay home there is another one saying they’d be better off at daycare. You can’t win here so you honestly just have to do what feels right. My decision might change over time but for right now I know I’m doing what’s right for my family.
Has anyone else struggled with making this decision? How did you finally come to a conclusion?